


Worth

by theuniverseschild



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mood Swings, can be interpreted as best friends or boyfriends it's up to you, i got sad and wrote this bc i related to bokuto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-03 01:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15808113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theuniverseschild/pseuds/theuniverseschild
Summary: "Bokuto felt sad. There was no other way to put it.He didn’t know where it came from, as was the case most of the time. He would just be sitting there, could even be enjoying himself, when suddenly his brain would seize up. He would be overcome by this intense worthlessness. That’s when the thoughts start to roll in."A quick hurt and comfort one shot between Bokuto and Akaashi.





	Worth

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I got in a mood and felt really sad and I just kind of related to Bokuto's mood swings. This is really just me coping with how I was feeling and expressing it through Bokuto. The relationship between the two of them is whatever you want, that wasn't really the main point when I wrote this. I ship Bokuaka so it might be leaning slightly more towards boyfriends. Anyway, enjoy!

Bokuto was sad. There was no other way to put it.

He didn’t know where it came from, as was the case most of the time. He would just be sitting there, could even be enjoying himself, when suddenly his brain would seize up. He would be overcome by this intense worthlessness. That’s when the thoughts started to roll in.

He couldn’t do anything right. Everyone was out there doing something, helping people, achieving their dreams, smiling with friends. And what was he? A college student with no idea what the fuck he was doing. He played on the college volleyball team, but he wasn’t exceptional. The odds were slim of having success with that. He wasn’t exactly the smartest so he couldn’t count on that to get him anywhere.

He was far too emotional, always on extreme or the other. He couldn’t be a nice in between. He’d prefer to have no emotions than be stuck in the constant back and forth swing. He got set off far too easy, sometimes nothing even needed to happen for a mood to occur. 

Most people found him annoying. He knew that from the looks he got in class when he was too loud. When he tried to make friends and those people started to avoid him. When he walked through the halls and a group of people saw him and snickered, probably making fun of him. He deserved it though. He’d make fun of himself too. 

He was alone.

No matter how many people where around him he felt alone. One person. 10 people. A whole room full. It didn’t matter, he felt alone. There would always be the separation of realities. Everyone was in their own world, experiencing their own things. For most that was fine. They could do it. Manage everything on their own. But he couldn’t. He didn’t have that peaceful, comfortable with life state of mind. He didn't know if he could stand to be alone.

He had friends, but when he was with them he couldn’t help but think they probably preferred to be somewhere else. With someone else. They all had another person who was their number one. Not that he could even say he was close to being their number one. He probably wasn’t even high enough to have a place on the board. 

He was hopeless.

He wasn’t ever going to figure himself out. He was going to be stuck dealing with these moods forever. Never staying in one extreme long enough to get comfortable and figure out how to live that way. He didn’t stay sad long enough to get used to it and cope. He didn’t stay happy long enough to enjoy it. Aimlessly bouncing back and forth, neither here nor there.

He was worthless.

So instead of going to class and practice, he stayed home. No point in going. He wasn’t going to get anywhere. He turned off his phone and his computer for good measure. He didn’t want anyone to contact him. He was alone. He curled up under the blankets, trying to put a barrier between him and the world.

That’s when the tears started coming. They coursed down his face. Big wet spots were already forming on his sheets. Sobs wracked his chest. It hurt so much, this sadness. His chest physically hurt from the grip it had on his heart. Squeezing it in its iron grip, refusing to let go.

He used to think maybe he could learn to be friends with the sadness. He could accept it. How naïve of him. This sadness was an ugly beast. His worst nightmare. His enemy. He would be trying to fight it for the rest of his life.

But he was so tired. It was tiring trying to fight it. He put up a front. He smiled big and made jokes. Tried to use his already loud personality to distract them. He figured if he was loud enough, he wouldn’t be able to hear and feel the sadness either. No one else could, so why couldn’t he. He did feel it thought, yet he continued to pretend. He couldn’t tell if he was pretending for others or himself anymore. 

His battle with sadness wasn’t just one. It was hundreds, thousands even. Every day was a battle. Every action. He did win battles though. He had good days. Every time he won he got stronger and he thought maybe he could do it. He’d be okay. But then his enemy would rear its head and knock it all down. One loss and he had to start all over again. 

That was when he was the most tired. Tired of fighting the same fight over and over and over, all to no avail. Tired of feeling like a failure. Tired of the hope that kept getting ripped away. 

Today he was sad. Today he was alone. Today he was hopeless. Today he was worthless.

Today he was tired.

His fight was gone. 

So, he cried. He cried till there was nothing left and shook with silent sobs. He let the exhaustion and sadness seep into his bones. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t feel. All he knew was this shadow of pain, rooted in every part of him. 

Then he was there. His light.

He kneeled next to him, pulling the blanket from over his head. Bokuto didn’t turn to face him. He couldn’t face him like this. His heart couldn’t handle to see that face look at him with disappointment and annoyance.

Long, thin fingers gently turned his face towards his. He kept his eyes tightly closed. 

The same fingers started to wipe the tears from his face. When more replaced those, he just wiped them away as well.

“Bokuto,” he spoke. His warm and even voice broke hours of silence. Just hearing that voice comforted him.

Bokuto opened his eyes. Gunmetal blue eyes greeted him. The same eyes that were there all the times before. The same eyes that comforted him. The same eyes that he could look into and feel like he was home.

“Akaashi,” he breathed. 

He slowly sat up on his bed so he was facing Akaashi head on, looking down at him. Akaashi kept his hands on the sides of his face, running his thumbs lightly across his cheekbones back and forth. It grounded Bokuto ever so slightly. 

They looked at each other for a while. Neither breaking away. Akaashi’s face showed no sign of annoyance or disappointment. Bokuto felt a rush of relief. Instead, it was soft and supportive. Eyebrows relaxed. Mouth set neutral. Eyes careful, yet warm. He watched Bokuto waiting for him to show he was ready to talk. 

When Bokuto sighed and leaned ever so slightly into one of Akaashi’s hands, he picked up on the queue.

“Bokuto, what’s wrong?” He said softly. When Bokuto tried to turn his head away, Akaashi moved him so they were looking directly at each other again.

He was silent for a few seconds.

“Why am I here, Akaashi?” he said so quiet, Akaashi had to lean in slightly to hear. 

“What do you mean?” Akaashi replied, trying to get him to elaborate more. Bokuto smiled inwardly. Such a therapist response. Bokuto always thought he’d make a good therapist.

“What am I doing? Why do I keep trying? I’m just a nuisance to everyone. I’m a waste of space. Everyone is just annoyed by me.” Bokuto felt his eyes tearing up. “I’m alone. I’m all alone.”

Akaashi frowned slightly regarding what Bokuto said. He’d always been able to read Bokuto so well. If anyone could help him through something, it was Akaashi.

“Bokuto, I need you to understand something. You are so wonderful. And what you just said? That was the biggest set of lies I’ve ever heard in my life.” His eyes were wide, pleading. “You are not a nuisance. I know you think you are, but this thing up here?” He taps his index fingers on Bokuto’s head. “It likes to trick you and force you to think things that aren’t true. It likes to tell you everyone hates you. That no one actually likes you. Bokuto, there are so many people who adore you. There are so many people who value your friendship with them.

“There are always going to be people who aren’t going to like you, but everyone has people like that in their life. You think I don’t have people who don’t wanna stick it to me and yell ‘Fuck you, you stoic bastard?’” Bokuto gave a light chuckle and Akaashi smiled. “Everyone has people like that, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. Bokuto, you light up any room you walk into just by being you. You don’t have to worry about being too loud or your mood swings because we accept those things about you. We love how loud you can be. We love your laugh and your hey hey hey’s.” Akaashi shakes his head gently. “You make people happy.”

He looks up at Akaashi eyes wide. His brain which was once so tired was starting to wake up. He could feel the fight inside him shifting, showing it still had life. There was still the shadow though and he frowned slightly.

Akaashi titled his head to the side. “Bokuto, you believe me, don’t you?”

Bokuto searched for the words. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Akaashi. Akaashi’s word meant everything to him. They just didn’t make sense.

“I just, how could people love me, if I’m… I’m,” Bokuto tried to get the words out.

“If you’re what?” Akaashi said tenderly.

“If I’m worthless!” Bokuto winced. He’d spoken louder than he intended to. The sudden volume change feeling foreign in the quiet he’d been wrapped in for hours.

“How can people love me if I’m this worthless person who can’t do anything,” Bokuto continued.

Akaashi closed his eyes and breathed in. Bokuto was suddenly worried Akaashi was mad he yelled. He felt anxiousness working its way into his heart.

Akaashi opened his eyes and Bokuto saw something that surprised him. They were sad. Not the same kind of sad that Bokuto saw in his own eyes when he looked in the mirror. A different sad. A heartbroken sad.

“You are not worthless,” Akaashi said firmly, extenuating each word. “You are so talented. You are easily one of the best aces I’ve ever met. I wish you could see the look on everyone’s face when you hit a spike. They are filled with wonder. I leave every game hearing multiple kids talking about wanting to be like the cool ace with the owl hair. Don’t for one second think everyone is like you. You are exceptional and you only keep getting better. I get chills thinking about how much better you’re gonna get and how far you’re gonna go.

“And don’t get me started on your passion. God, I wish I were as passionate as you. You care so much about everything, I don’t understand how someone is some capable of it. It blows my mind. You fill people with it. There have been so many times where I’ve gotten passionate, simply because you were. You have such a positive effect on people.”

Bokuto thought he was going to stop there, but he continues. 

“You are smart. Yes, you may fail a math exam, but so does everyone. But you never give up. You keep trying and getting better. You don’t let anything stop you. You don’t have to be the top of the class to be smart. You don’t have to be book smart to be smart.” 

Bokuto’s gaze was cast to the floor.

“Hey, look at me.”

Bokuto looked up. Akaashi’s eyes were earnest and filled with love. Bokuto loved those eyes. Loved the depth and emotion in them. They had conveyed thousands of feelings to him without words. 

“It’s okay to be average at something. You can be average when it comes to school and still be smart. I don’t want you to ever think you aren’t. Intelligence comes from so many things. Bokuto, you are worth more than I can describe. I am so proud to know you.

“You are never going to be alone. I am always going to be here. I’ll be here cheering you on in the crowd. I’ll be here to help you study. I’ll be here to smile with you when you’re in a good mood. I’ll be here when it’s all crashing down and you feel like you can’t do it anymore. I’ll be here when nothing makes sense. I’ll be here when you’re confused about what to think and feel. I’ll be here to support you when you hate yourself. I’ll be here.”

Bokuto was crying again. These were not sad tears though. They weren’t happy tears either. They were someone understands tears. Akaashi always knew what to say. He never failed to reach into the shadows and grab Bokuto out of them. 

He leaned in and touched his forehead to Akaashi’s, closing his eyes. They stayed there for a few minutes. Silence filled the room, but it wasn’t sad anymore. Bokuto let everything Akaashi said register and fill his mind. Slowly but surely, Bokuto started to feel better, more hopeful.

“Thank you, Akaashi.” He opened his eyes and smiled.

“You’re welcome, Bokuto.” Akaashi smiled back. Relief washed over his face.

“I love you.” He meant it with every fiber in his being. He didn’t know where he’d be without Akaashi. The reason he had his moment. The reason he got put back on track when he fell off. The reason he’d made it this far.

“I love you too.” 

It was a simple reply. What you’d expect when you tell someone you love them, but it meant more than words could convey to Bokuto. He didn’t feel alone. He knew this wasn’t the last time he would feel sad or breakdown, but he felt the same relief he always did knowing Akaashi would be there. There to remind him of the good parts of him when he could only focus on the bad. There to be the light at the end of the tunnel.

“Oh, and Bokuto?” Akaashi said, the mood already feeling lighter.

“Yeah?”

“You aren’t worthless.”

Bokuto smiled.

“I’m not worthless.”


End file.
